Am I A New Yorker Now?

An email from the newly employed Mayor of the Big Apple!

IF YOU’RE IN LINE TO READ CAFE LULU, STAY IN LINE. Apologies for the lack of content this past Sunday. But I have exciting news…I am NOW EMPLOYED! I’m not sure if most of you knew but prior to going on my one-month-long road trip, I had to make the difficult decision (lol) to quit my barista job. Mainly because it felt easier to quit than to ask for a month off. My only homework during the road trip was to think long and hard about what I want to do with my life. Turns out, that isn’t something that can be discovered in a month. This is becoming very annoying.

After a whopping three months of unemployment, I finally got a part-time job freelancing as a social media manager — which is something that I actually think I’m good at. And, as a hostess at a very cool cocktail bar. This job will probably scratch my itch of wanting to stay in the food & beverage scene, mainly because I love being near food. The hostessing job will also be part-time too so hopefully two part-times = one full-time job and maybe that will be enough for me to live off of in New York. But we shall see. I’m also occasionally working at my OLD barista job, just to help them out, and catsitting for a friend. I am slowly becoming the millionaire Latina I promised you I would be since the inception of Cafe Lulu.

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Five Years in New York & the Cafe Lulu Agenda

This May will mark my five-year anniversary in New York. It’s really shocking how time has flown by so quickly but 2019 also strangely feels like an eternity ago. Five years ago, I moved here to work in the advertising industry. Today, I’m more interested in staying away from any place that identifies themselves as “misfits” or “mavericks”. Five years ago, I was sharing an apartment in East New York with two other guys who were barely home because one of them partly lived off of a boat near Staten Island and the other one was a bartender and worked like six days a week. Today, I’ve had five other roommates since then and live comfortably in arguably one of the best neighborhood in Brooklyn. Five year ago, I lived and breathed Manhattan. Today, I will bitch and complain if someone suggests meeting up in Manhattan because it’s such a chore to get to. Five years ago, I barely had any friends and today, I could fill up my whole building with all of them.

Five years is a long time for growth and mistakes. I regret moving away from Florida so quickly after college. I abandoned my Gainesville lease as soon as I got an internship in New York without realizing that I’ll never get to experience a true life of leisure the same way again. The first year here, I succumbed to nostalgia, only hurting myself and delaying the life I was meant to live. After a year of being in a funk, I saw and experienced New York for how it should be and I started living when I realized that chapter of my life has closed and I need to move on. This only happened after I remembered this Cameron Dallas tweet and realized he was right in a strange and straightforward way.

He’s spitting.

I really do love living here and wouldn’t trade it for anywhere else in the world. However, my feelings change very quickly so let’s revisit this subject in a year.

Being here for five years makes you exposed to a lot of shit too. That being said, here are four things that I would implement as New York’s new Mayor if E*ic A*ams dropped dead.

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The Banning Dogs Policy in Most Establishments

This is not including the people with service animals.

Ok now that I got that out of the way…why the fuck am I going to a bakery pop-up located in a pizza shop and the place is packed with dogs. This isn’t Yappy Hour. I’m trying to get my Funfetti marshmallow cookie crumb cake with brown butter icing and there’s a fucking Pomeranian just taking up a whole booth. Personally, I don’t think this behavior is not ok or fair to the dogs themselves. It’s crazy to me that I can tell the dog is anxious by sitting in a restaurants but the owners keep acting like it’s all ok. Dogs do not belong everywhere. Outdoor seating, fine. But consider your dog’s feeling first before you drag them to the Downtown Brooklyn H&M changing room.

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The Anti-Litterbug Policy

I understand that this is a city and the rules may be a little different here. But there is no reason to toss your empty bag of chips on the ground instead of tossing it in a garbage can. And you know what. As Mayor, I recognize a noticeable lack of public garbage cans on blocks in neighborhoods like Bedford-Stuyvesant, compared to wealthier areas like the Upper East Side. So maybe one would rather toss it on the street than carry the empty chips bag for an extra block or two. To fight littering, I will add more trash cans so people can shove it right in and never throw a bag of chips on the ground again. I will also outlaw pigeon feeding. How stupid do you have to be to toss out stale bread on the street and think only PIGEONS are eating that shit. It’s the RATS, PEOPLE! YOU ARE FEEDING THE RATS. THE RATS ARE EATING GOOD. NOT THE PIGEONS. WE HAVE A RAT PROBLEM. DID YOU KNOW THAT NEW YORK CITY RATS HAVE EVOLVED IN ALMOST COCKROACH-LIKE WAYS TO SURVIVE ANYTHING? And so, I will have to outlaw feeding ‘birds’ of any sort. Take your Home Alone 2 Central Park Grandma ass to New Jersey, bitch!

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The Headphones on Public Transit Policy

Nobody cares about your conversations, your music choices or the WatchMojo YouTube videos you’re watching on the subway. Public transit is a fun way to sometimes eavesdrop but there have been times where I have eavesdropped too far. The chismosos (gossipers) in the chat will be upset with me when I say that as Mayor, I will want most conversations to be kept OFF of speakerphone. To fight this ongoing issue, I will be partnering with the people that did the Ariana Grande furry headphones so you will want to wear these headphones because they’ll be free and quite cool-looking.

Need.

I think most people that either have conversations on speakerphone or watch loud TikToks on the subway are just old people. I truly believe that old people will wear just about anything if it’s free. I once saw an old man wearing a FaZe Clan shirt on the subway and I KNOW he got that from his grandson’s pile of donation clothes.

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The Banning Smoke Shops on Every Corner Policy

No more stores with names like Granny Za’s, Da Gas Depot, and Puff the Magic Dragon. No more fan-art of a completely faded Rick and Morty wearing Nike Techs or Gru from Despicable Me next to a mural that says “My Money Gru”. My final initiative as Mayor would be a significant reduction in the number of smoke shops across the five boroughs.

Need to queen out with her.

Just like the frozen yogurt boom, there are far too many smoke shops now, and the demand for them all can't support this many. According to the New York City Council website, it is estimated that NYC is home to approximately 8,000 illegal, unlicensed smoke shops. You’re not crazy. Ask any New Yorker and they can point you in the direction of at least five smoke shops in the area. This is an insane problem but thankfully, in the real world, there will soon be an end to this. On June 22, 2023, the NYC Council passed a law that prohibits owners of commercial spaces to knowingly lease to unlicensed sellers of marijuana or tobacco products, imposing a fine of up to $10,000 on landlords for violations. The office of Mayor Isabella and Cafe Lulu co-signed it.

Apart from their atrocious aesthetics, the weed is horrific too. They’ve made it too strong for it to be enjoyable anymore. Since a lot of these smoke shops are illegal and unlicensed, who knows what the hell is in the weed with the zooted Bart Simpson packaging. They also mark up the prices due to convenience but if I were you, I would stop buying from any unlicensed smoke shop immediately. Love yourself. Please.

Hypebeast Bart Simpson you have to stop. Your drip is too hard. Your swag is too different.

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Lulu Goes to the Groomers

They looooove putting a bow on her after we pick her up from the groomers. Lulu is such a tomboy so it’s very funny to us to see her so girly. She always finds a way to rip off the bow before we can take a picture.