Anatomy of an Instagram Ad
The generosity of your ad budget conceals something dirtier and meaner.
We all have Instagram Ads we can’t get rid of. They pop-up every single time you scroll on your timeline and at first you think it’s innocent but it begins to follow you and if you show the slightest bit of interest, they create more enticing offers for you to bite. Your generosity conceals something dirtier and meaner. You’re incapable of facing your ambitions, and you resent me for it. But I’m not the one who put you where you are. I have nothing to do with it! You’re not sacrificing yourself, as you say. You choose to sit on the sidelines because you’re afraid! Because your pride makes your head explode before you can even come up with a little germ of an idea! And now you wake up and you’re forty, and you need someone to blame. And you’re the one to blame! You’re petrified by your own fucking standards and your fear of failure. This is the truth!
Crazy fucking reference but I will be giving a BOOM or DOOM rating to the incessant brands that won’t stop clogging up my timeline with their ads. Watch Anatomy of a Fall if you haven’t already. This reference still won’t make any sense to the rest of this edition of Cafe Lulu.
Glowbar
Category: Beauty & Wellness
The Cost: $60 + tip
The Location: Glowbar Union Square
Not to be confused with Skin Laundry, which has also been plaguing my timeline, amongst other popular quick-fix skincare solutions. Glowbar is a skincare site that specializes in express facials meaning, they ask you what you want, areas of concern, and you get it all done in 30-minutes.
How it Really Works
You arrive 10 minutes beforehand to fill out some paperwork
The receptionist will lead you to the back
and shoot youto an area where you can wash your face with their preferred products (specifically iS Clinical and Environ)Afterwards, your esthetician guides you to your room…which is more like a closet but not in a bad way and there’s 15-20 stalls, all dedicated for these express facials
Your esthetician will ask you what your latest skin concerns (I mentioned that I’ve been having an abnormal amount of white and blackheads in my chin and lower jaw area)
Then they set a 30-min timer and the esthetician will go to TOWN on your skin — there’s no time for a water break, their damn life depends on getting this facial DONE
I received a chemical peel, hydrating mask, extractions, high frequency micro-current treatment and LED light therapy
You’re finished!
What I Liked
I actually didn’t mind how short the facial was and I thought that they went pretty in-depth considering everything they did
The location was clean and the timing was true to my reservation slot
There was no small talk so you could fully concentrate on relaxing
The esthetician asked in-depth questions and answered your skin-related questions
What I Didn’t Like
I told this mofo that my chin and jaw were my problem areas but apparently my pores on my nose posed a bigger threat. I’m ok with some extractions on my nose but I told her what I was having issues with and she dedicated maybe 30 seconds to the areas of concern.
After you’re done with your treatment, they say you look glow-y but you actually look greasy. I hung out with my friend after and I felt like I was a victim in a cartoon where a villain picks me up tosses me head down in a vat of oil.
Everything nowadays is subscription-based. To get the best deal, you have to sign up for their membership that costs $60 to get monthly facials. Since I’m a first time user, my facial was considered a deal at $60 (it normally costs $75 for non-members). I don’t think I would get the membership unless I got a job that paid me $100k and I had a bunch of disposable income to spend on dumb stuff like this. I also don’t think I need a monthly facial.
Would I Recommend?
Honestly, yeah I think I would recommend this for first-time users. I wanted to treat myself because my skin has hurting my self-esteem lately. I didn’t see an instant “glow” the following days but looking at my skin today, either something changed hormonally or Glowbar actually works. It’s a little hard to say but I do see an improvement nearly 1.5 weeks later. I would go if you’re burning for some self-improvement.
***TW: CAFE LULU ADMIN REVEAL***
7.5 / 10
BonBon Swedish Candy
Category: Food
The Cost: $17 for 0.45lb.
The Location: BonBon Williamsburg
BonBon is a Swedish candy company that started in 2018 with their first store located in Lower East Side. However, I would argue that this place really took off in the last six months after several TikToks about their candy went viral for its “delicious” flavor. I planned a cheeky little Williamsburg date night for Pookie and I remembered that there was a BonBon location not too far from where we were. Pookie really likes Haribo gummies so I thought he would be a fantastic tasting candidate.
How it Works
Three(?) rows of 15 different Scandinavian candy options to choose from
You pick a bright, pink branded bag and fill it up with as much candy as you want
You check out and screech in horror at the amount you now have to pay
What I Picked (2 of each)
Sweet Candies: Wild Strawberry Pomegranate Ovals, Watermelon Ovals, Tutti Frutti Gummies, Strawberry Twist, Red Ammo, Monkeys, Fried Eggs, Cola Bottles, Caramel Twist
Sour Candies: Fizzy Skull, Sour Lips
Chocolates: Center Caramel Caps
Marshmallows: Banana Marshmallows, Fruit Snacks
What I Liked
Literally nothing. This place serves candy that tastes like it’s made for diabetics.
What I Didn’t Like
THE CANDY!!!
THE PRICE!!!!!
Would I Recommend?
FUCK NO. I don’t know if this makes sense but the candy tastes like the idea was better than the execution. No shade to Sweden but don’t you DARE bring that shit over to America. Keep it in IKEA toots. I paid $17 for 0.45lb of candy. Seventeen American Dollars. It sounds like we purchased a lot but I took a picture of the interior of the bag as further evidence of the scam that BonBon runs.
Yes, the candy is imported. Yes, the branding is really cute. But no, it’s not worth your money. It tastes empty. Soulless, even.
Wonder
Category: Food
The Cost: $26-ish in total
Location: Wonder UWS
Wonder is a new delivery/dine-in service where you can get foods from different unknown restaurants for those who can’t make up their mind. According to their website, “We partner with incredible restaurants from across the country...we bring you a taste of what the nation has to offer, just around the corner.” Oh brother.
How it Works
My friend Andrea and I went to a physical storefront because I had a up to $15 off coupon but were unable to order at the register if you wanted to use the coupon. Life is incapable of being easy anymore. You have to download the Wonder app.
After placing an order with the app, you wait to receive your food and can opt to dine-in or take-out. We dined in.
What We Picked
Wing Trip (restaurant) buffalo and barbecue boneless wings
French Fries
A sea salt chocolate chip cookie from a different restaurant called “Room for Dessert”
What I Liked
It’s…interesting.
This concept sounds a lot easier for delivery drivers who can pick up one customer’s orders from several different restaurants at the Wonder location rather than making drivers go to a several spots for one order like DoorDash’s evil concept, DoubleDash. I also recently saw Morning Brew’s interesting video on the viability of being a delivery driver in Manhattan.
The cookie was huge and pretty good! I love a sea salt chocolate chip.
The service was hospitable and very caring.
What I Didn’t Like
Honestly the wings were ok. They got the breading and wing meat ratio wrong and it was completely unproportional.
The fries were also ok too.
It wasn’t just $15 off…the small print that they fail to include on the ad is that you have to spend $30 to get $15 off which is misleading to me and they got a pending lawsuit from Cafe Lulu on their hands.
I didn’t take pictures of anything for Cafe Lulu!
Would I Recommend?
I think our wings and fries were just ok and I have a hard time believing that they place more care in other items from other restaurants. They have big chef names attached to Wonder such as Marcus Samuelsson but lately, what ISN’T Marcus Samuelsson sponsoring? He’s everywhere! They have six Wonder locations already which means to me that they have pretty good investor funding on this idea. But will it last? I don’t think so. and I also wouldn’t recommend it. But then again, I never order from food delivery apps so maybe I’m not the right person to be answering this question. In New York, a city of endless food options around every block, this doesn’t stand out in the slightest.
Lulu Oil Painting Requests
I’m looking for someone to paint this picture of Lulu using oil paints in a stylistic way like the new King Charles Royal Portrait. HMU.
